Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples

Modern Research and Relationship Success

By Elene L Johas Teener, LCSW

The latest research in adult love and bonding is truly new, starting only 20 years or so in the past, and the practical application has only been in use for the last decade. This new work differs significantly from the ways in which we have traditionally viewed love and sexuality, but is supported by rigorous empirically validated studies of couples in attachment based and emotionally focused modalities, and in specific EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). These studies show that 70 to 75 percent recover from distress and are happy in their relationships. The results appear lasting, even with couples that are at high risk for divorce.

Adult attachment places emphasis on “each persons attachment style, and the creation of security” (Attachment Theory and Research, Obegi and Berant). Additionally, “sexual relations are often embedded in attachment and/or caregiving relationships.” The very good news is that “attachment style can change as a result of experiences in relationships.” (Attachment In Adulthood, Mikulincer and Shaver)

How then do we keep our love and sexual interest alive and healthy? We do that by learning the language of love. Love is a state that we naturally are in when we are safe, close and trust each other. We have to learn where each of us goes off track together. I remember the time when my husband and I both really understood that we are in this together: it is not him, or me, or just me and just him, but it’s us. I got that he is my family, we are a family, his challenges are my challenges and mine are his. We both began to feel as though the other really was on our side with those challenges. We were no longer alone in anything. With that security, growing intimacy is a natural outcome. Love and secure bonding promote passion.

“Passion can come fast and easy early in a relationship. Where every word, glance, touch vibrates with lust. It is nature’s way of drawing us together. Beyond that first rush of desire what is the place of physical love in a relationship? Besides pulling us together, can our physicality also keep us together, to build a lasting relationship?” Yes, Yes, and Yes, “In fact, satisfying physical love is a potent bonding experience. The passion of infatuation is just the hors d’oeuvre. A loving physical bond in a long-term relationship is the entree.” The cultural myth is that desire gets old and only new partners or new techniques will revive our passion and peak experiences.

In fact, secure bonding and fully satisfying sexuality go together. Emotional connection creates great and satisfying physical bonding which creates a deeper emotional connection. Sue Johnson, the primary mover and shaker in this new application of couples and family therapy, has emphasized three main emotional states that create lasting connection and better physical love. Understanding these and how we are or are not available to each other will support our growing attachment or bonding to each other. We think of the acronym A.R.E. to make it easier to remember. When partners are ACCESSIBLE emotionally, RESPONSIVE emotionally, and ENGAGED emotionally themselves, mutual physicality becomes intimate play, a safe adventure. Secure partners feel free and confident to surrender to sensation and share their deepest joys longings, and vulnerabilities.

A.R.E. conversations are the language of love. They shore up the safe haven that is your relationship and future-proof your ability to keep your love alive and growing.

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Please join us in the next ‘Hold Me Tight” worship. November 5,6,7. eft.works/2015