Siblings: Friends or Foes?

By Nicole M. Young, MSW

When I was young, my siblings were my greatest friends one minute, then my biggest foes the next. We built forts, played hours of board games or just made up silly games — usually at my expense. It was always fun until my brother started teasing the rest of us or another sibling stormed off because nobody was playing by “the rules.” We got on each other’s nerves, but we couldn’t stand to be excluded from the games. I remember the arguments, but it’s the laughter and love for my earliest friends — my siblings — that has stood the test of time.

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Dear Nicole,

My 4- and 6-year old kids play together all the time, but they argue constantly. They fight over who gets to pour cereal first, whose turn it is to choose the TV show or who touched a toy without asking. They usually just yell at each other — which gets on my nerves — but sometimes they push each other and I have to separate them. I feel like I can never leave them alone and that’s exhausting. My mom says it’s normal for siblings to fight, but I can’t take this much longer. What can I do?

— Jorge

Dear Jorge,

I’ll bet every parent with multiple children has experienced what you’re describing. Sibling rivalry is common, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Learning how to cooperate and handle conflict are important social skills your children will need throughout life. Here are some tips to try:

Give individual attention to each child. Give brief and frequent amounts of quality time throughout the day. When one of your kids want to show or tell you something, give them your full attention, even if it’s just for one minute. This is a preventative step that keeps everyone’s attention on positive interactions instead of arguments.

Use engaging activities to teach cooperation and communication. Arguments can occur when kids get bored, frustrated or don’t know how to communicate their needs. To prevent this from happening, create a list of activities with your children — things they can do together and separately — and encourage them to pick a new activity when they start to get restless or frustrated with each other. When you have time, play a game or do an activity with your children that involves taking turns or solving a problem together. This provides an opportunity to spend quality time together while teaching them skills for cooperating and communicating.

Create family rules about cooperation and respect. Create a few simple family rules about how you will treat each other. State the rules in the positive (say what to do instead of what not to do) and make them easy to remember. Examples include: use kind words, keep your hands to yourself, take turns and ask before taking. Involve your children in setting the rules, and have them practice what to say and do as you discuss them. Doing this when everyone is calm will make it easier to remind them of the rules when emotions run high.

Pause, prompt, problem-solve and praise. If you notice warning signs of an argument, pause before getting involved. Give your children time to remember the family rules and work out a solution first. If the problem escalates, get close to your children and give a prompt to remind them of the family rules. “What is our rule about taking turns?” This will often be enough to prevent the conflict from escalating.

Encourage problem solving by describing the situation and asking for their ideas about how to resolve it. “You’re both feeling frustrated because you want a turn with this toy. How can we solve this?” Give descriptive praise when they suggest solutions, then ask them what ideas they can agree to. “That’s a good idea to roll the dice to decide who goes first. What do you think – can you agree to that?” Continue giving praise when you notice them cooperating and getting along. Describe the specific behaviors you are encouraging — “Thanks for waiting so patiently,” or “You’re doing a great job taking turns.”

Final Thoughts: Arguments between siblings can really test parents’ skills and patience. But it is possible and beneficial to teach children cooperation and communication, starting at a very young age. Remember, small changes can make a big difference!

These monthly columns provides tips for anyone who is helping raise children, based on the world-renowned Triple P – Positive Parenting Program, available to families in Santa Cruz County. If you have a question or idea for a future column, please email me at triplep@first5scc.org.

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Nicole Young is the mother of two children, ages 13 and 17, who also manages Santa Cruz County’s Triple P – Positive Parenting Program, the world’s leading positive parenting program. Scientifically proven, Triple P is made available locally by First 5 Santa Cruz County, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency (Mental Health Services Act) and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department. To find a Triple P parenting class or practitioner, visit http://triplep.first5scc.org, www.facebook.com/triplepscc or contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.