By Nicole M. Young, MSW
I was recently asked if the stories I share in these articles about my family and myself are true. Yes! Every funny, ironic — and sometimes sad — anecdote about my parenting trials and errors is true. I share my own experiences to remind myself to practice what I preach and because I know other parents and caregivers struggle with similar, or even bigger, challenges.
Raising children to become healthy, confident, capable adults is the most important job parents and caregivers have. It’s also one of the hardest and most humbling jobs many of us will ever face. Parenting can be stressful and thankless. The responsibility of keeping children physically and emotionally safe can be overwhelming at times, especially when we are inundated with headlines about violence, tragedies and suffering. Even the most loving, patient and educated parents and caregivers can find themselves at a loss about how to help their children or handle challenging situations.
Parenting can be even harder when we’re faced with hurdles that seem impossible to change or overcome, such as poverty, unemployment, poor health, family violence, mental illness, homelessness, substance abuse and discrimination. Children who experience multiple and frequent forms of stress, adversity and trauma – particularly in the first three years of life when the brain is developing most rapidly – are at greater risk for developmental delays, behavioral problems, academic challenges and health problems throughout life.
The good news is that we know what it takes to help children thrive, even in the face of adversity. Decades of research show that positive parenting throughout a child’s life is one of the most powerful predictors of long-term health and development.
In fact, strengthening relationships between parents and children in safe, engaging family environments can prevent or reverse the harmful effects of stress and adversity in childhood. This is true whether the “parent” is single, married or divorced, a foster, adoptive or biological parent or grandparent, or another caring adult raising a child.
So during January — and every day after that — try using these simple strategies from the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program to make parenting less stressful and more enjoyable.
- Give your child frequent, small amounts of quality time throughout the day. This provides reassurance that you’re available and responsive to needs, which is the foundation of a positive relationship.
- Give your child positive attention. A hug, high five or a smile are just a few examples of simple ways to show you care.
- Talk, read and sing with your child. This builds language skills and provides a wonderful way to maintain a close connection. It even works with teens.
- Give children descriptive praise. Acknowledge their efforts and behaviors you’d like to see more of.
- Provide engaging activities. This prevents boredom and promotes learning, creativity, problem solving, cooperation and physical movement. The simplest (and free) activities – building a fort from a cardboard box or jumping in a leaf pile – are often the ones children enjoy the most.
- Teach children new skills and behaviors by setting a good example. Remember that children are like sponges and mirrors, absorbing and imitating the things they see and hear.
- Set clear family rules and expectations. Even children as young as 2 or 3 years old can be part of a family discussion about the rules in the home. Keep the rules simple, fair and easy to remember, and let your child know what will happen if rules are broken.
- Give clear, calm instructions. Communicate what behavior to stop and what to do instead. For example, “Please stop hitting your brother. Use your words to ask for a turn with the toy.”
- Have realistic expectations. Keep your child’s age and abilities in mind, and remember that it’s normal for children to have challenging behaviors at different times in their lives.
- Take care of yourself. Being a positive parent is much easier when we take care of our own needs. Take a few moments each day to do something that makes you feel calm and ready to face the next parenting hurdle.
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Nicole Young is the mother of two children, ages 13 and 16, who also manages Santa Cruz County’s Triple P – Positive Parenting Program, the world’s leading positive parenting program. Scientifically proven, Triple P is made available locally by First 5 Santa Cruz County, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency (Mental Health Services Act) and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department. To find a Triple P parenting class or practitioner, visit http://triplep.first5scc.org, www.facebook.com/triplepscc or contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.