Nicole M. Young, MSW
This monthly column provides tips for anyone who is helping raise children, based on the world-renowned Triple P – Positive Parenting Program, available to families in Santa Cruz County. If you have a question or idea for a future column, email me at triplep@first5scc.org.
Dear Nicole,
My husband says our kids (5, 10, 12) are becoming spoiled because I give in to their demands and don’t make them help out around the house. He thinks I buy their love with presents and they take advantage of me. I just want my kids to know I love them and I feel guilty because I work long hours. When I’m home, I don’t want them to see me as “the enforcer.” We’ve been arguing about this a lot lately. Can you help us? — Marta
Dear Marta,
Show your love with your presence. It’s understandable that you feel guilty about working long hours and want to reassure your children you love them. Instead of buying presents or giving in to their demands, try spending brief and frequent quality time together. Even 30 seconds of your undivided attention given frequently throughout the day can make a big difference. Talking (and listening), reading together, playing games and giving affection are also powerful ways to show your children you care. These simple strategies strengthen relationships and build the foundation for kind, respectful communication.
Agree on realistic expectations. Talk with your husband about what is reasonable to expect of your children. If you have widely different opinions, aim for common ground. Define a few basic rules you can both support that will set the expectation of respectful communication, such as “Say please and thank you,” or “Ask before taking things.” Then discuss what each child can do to help out around the house (taking their ages and abilities into consideration). For instance, your 10- and 12-year-olds might be capable of vacuuming and dusting their own rooms, while putting toys away might be a more age-appropriate expectation for your 5-year-old.
Be consistent and give descriptive praise. This is especially important in the beginning, when the rules and expectations are new. Your children might “test” you to see how far they can push the limits before you give in. Remember you can be both firm and loving when setting limits, and that teaching children to do things for themselves increases their confidence and self-esteem. Give descriptive praise when you notice them being kind, considerate and helpful, like “Thank you for setting the table. I appreciate your help.” This lets them know you notice their efforts and encourages them to keep it up.
Final thoughts: Children often behave in ways that seem difficult or “spoiled.” Many times, they’re just expressing their need for love, attention or affection. Parents can meet their children’s emotional needs while teaching valuable life skills by being a consistent, firm and loving presence in their children’s daily lives. It’s the gift that lasts a lifetime.
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Nicole Young is the mother of two children, ages 13 and 16, who also manages Santa Cruz County’s Triple P – Positive Parenting Program. Triple P is available locally by First 5 Santa Cruz County, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency (Mental Health Services Act) and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department. To find a Triple P parenting class or practitioner, visit http://triplep.first5scc.org, www.facebook.com/triplepscc or contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.