By Dr. Lori Butterworth, Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist
I was working with a family whose teenage son had a long history of lying. Over time, therapy moved away from policing the behavior and toward something deeper: helping him clarify the kind of person he wanted to become. The values he kept returning to were honesty and trustworthiness.
Lori Butterworth
After weeks of wrestling with fear and shame, he made a brave decision. He came clean about a lie he had been carrying for a long time. When he finally told his parents, their response was immediate…and angry. They focused on the lie, how long it had gone on, and how hurt and betrayed they felt because he had lied before coming clean. The courage it took for their son to tell the truth was pretty much invisible.
Before judging these parents too harshly, it’s important to understand the context. They had been lied to for years. They were exhausted, hurt, and understandably fed up.
But I asked them two simple questions: What behavior are you reinforcing? and What behavior do you want to see more of?
Those questions sit at the heart of how parents can effectively address lying in children and teens.
Lying Is Usually About Escape, Not Character
Parents tend to interpret lying as a moral failure. Research in developmental psychology tells a different story. Most children lie to avoid punishment, shame, or emotional fallout. In other words, lying is often a stress response.
When a child’s nervous system perceives a threat like disappointment, anger, or loss of approval, the brain shifts into survival mode. Honesty becomes dangerous. Escape becomes the brain’s natural priority.
This is especially true for children with ADHD, anxiety, or high emotional sensitivity. Studies on executive functioning show that impulsivity, poor future-oriented thinking, and emotional reactivity make it harder for these kids to pause and choose honesty under pressure. The lie often comes out before the thinking brain has time to catch up.
Highly intelligent kids add another layer. Strong verbal skills allow them to construct convincing explanations quickly. This can look manipulative, but more often it’s a sign of cognitive strength combined with emotional immaturity.
The Role of Consequences and Why They Sometimes Backfire
Behavioral research is clear: behaviors that successfully reduce discomfort tend to repeat. If lying helps a child avoid consequences, even temporarily, it becomes a reliable strategy to avoid discomfort.
Many well-meaning parents respond to lying by escalating punishment. But this increases fear and secrecy, not honesty. When the cost of telling the truth feels too high, children learn to lie better, not less.
The most effective rule is surprisingly simple: The consequence should be the same whether the child tells the truth or not.
Parents can say calmly, “The rule doesn’t change. Telling the truth just helps us solve the problem faster.” This removes the payoff for lying while making honesty emotionally safer.
What Parents Often Miss: Reinforcing the Right Behavior
In the family I described earlier, the parents unintentionally reinforced silence and secrecy. Their reaction taught their son that coming clean, even when aligned with his values, led to anger and emotional fallout.
Decades of research in behavioral parenting interventions show that specific, immediate reinforcement of the desired behavior is one of the most powerful tools parents have. That means acknowledging honesty even when the behavior itself was not okay.
This requires parents to hold two truths at once: “I’m not okay with what happened, and I really respect that you told the truth.”
This distinction matters. You are reinforcing honesty as a skill, not approving the mistake.
Stop Interrogating: It Trains Kids to Lie Better
Interrogating kids when they lie often backfires. When children feel cornered, honesty becomes harder, not easier. If you already know what happened, say so calmly, “I know what happened; I’m looking for honesty.” Then pause. Silence gives them space to regulate and choose differently.
What builds honesty over time isn’t harsher punishment; it’s repair. Shifting from “What’s the punishment?” to “How do we fix this?” strengthens accountability and empathy far more than shame. Children who feel safe telling the truth learn that honesty is survivable; that’s how trust grows.
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Lori Butterworth is a child and adolescent psychologist and the founder of the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health and Jacob’s Heart Children’s Cancer Support Services. For more information about mental health support for your child and family, contact Lori at 831-222-0052 or visit CCAMH.org. The Center offers evidence-based youth mental health care and free resources for parents.