By Pat Hanson
For reasons of long distance, complicated custody issues, or a troubled daughter/son-in-law, many parents and grandparents are estranged from their adult children. Some are at odds with and separated from their adult children and/or grandkids.
A free monthly support group meets second Mondays at Christ Lutheran Church in Aptos. Here, alienated parents learn they are not alone with this issue, and strategize ways to hold on and thrive, not just survive their difficult situations. Some reconciliations have taken place.
Here is a sample of their stories with names changed to protect those who might be choosing legal paths to visitation:
- After two years of no contact from her daughter and twin boys she’d seen at birth, Randa’s estrangement ended at the sudden funeral of her brother when her daughter showed up with the twins. Since that reconciliation, she helped her daughter with a restraining order against the son-in-law and she now babysits 5-year old twins regularly.
- Sally went for counseling with Oakland therapist Dr. Joshua Coleman author of “When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Adult Child Don’t Get Along.” He wrote a letter to her daughter and son-in-law and received a vitriolic response from the son-in-law. Still hoping her daughter will become disentangled from this potentially violent situation, she comes monthly for support from her peers.
- Darlene, a mother of three in her 50s, gets to see her now nine-month granddaughter only once a month, and then only an hour at a time. Her daughter-in-law thinks the way she holds the baby is not correct or good enough.
- Chelsea is an invisible auntie who because of her religious preference was denied access to two nieces she partially raised till they were 7. She named them in her will, saying, “at least they’ll get something.”
- Alice helped her daughter-in-law with after-school and many weekends of care for her 9-year-old grandson while her son was incarcerated. When he was released, they moved and did not respond to phone calls, texts and letters. All packages were returned by the post office “address unknown.”
- Grammy Fox’s daughter committed suicide while in jail after being told by Child Protective Services that her 2-year-old daughter was going to be permanently placed with the foster parents instead of being returned to her mother and what she calls rhe “child’s bonded-bio family.’” Discovering other families with foster placement abuse issues that have created “system induced trauma syndrome” in both children and adults, she turned her pain into activism. She formed The Child & Family Rights Advocates #TakingOurFamiliesBack2020.
- James had been ex-communicated from his children’s family for 7 years before undertaking legal help to assure his grandparent visitation rights, which are not guaranteed in California.
- Chuck considered calling police about his daughter’s situation when his wrote a note to them prohibiting any kind of communication with his grandchildren whom his wife babysat for two years.
One member shared her wisdom with the group: “If you don’t leave your past in your past, it will destroy your future. Love what you have today, not what yesterday has taken away.”
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To connect with this group visit: www.invisiblegrandparent.com or Facebook.com/InvisibleGrandparent