By Barry and Joyce Vissell
It is important in life to honor differences, whether these be friends, co-workers or family members. So much can be learned from this practice.
When Barry and I wanted to get married, not one person thought we could make it as a couple. Yes, the love was there in abundance, but we were different religions. Barry was raised in a traditional Jewish family and attended the temple with his family. I was raised in a Christian family and attended church twice a week. At that time in 1968 on the east coast, people with this difference in religion did not get married. It was unheard of.
Everyone thought we should break up and find someone else. We tried but it did not work. We came back together and decided to get married, but no one would marry us, especially not Barry’s childhood rabbi.
Finally, my mother set up an appointment with her minister at her church near the University of Buffalo. This man, the Reverend Davis was a Godsend. He told us he could see we loved each other very much, but he would marry us on one condition: We must promise not to try to change the other. He told us the differences within us can complement and strengthen our union. If we honor these differences, they will bless our lives. And true to our promise to him, we have honored our differences, and they have indeed blessed us. We now have a shared spirituality that is perhaps our deepest strength as a couple.
I swim every day at a club near our home. I often go at the same time and so does another woman. We have gotten to be friends. I really like this woman. She is the friendliest person at the club, treating all people with love and respect. She also has very interesting tales of growing up in Europe after the war ended. While we are getting dressed after our swim she shares these stories. We both know we have very different political views, and we both know we will vote very differently.
Many months before the election, we promised each other we would not talk about politics. And we honored this commitment. She was very happy on the day after the election. I was not. But we never talked about it. We maintained our commitment. I believe that if we would have talked about politics, we might have lost our friendship. I saw that happen to someone else at the club.
But we did not, so our relationship is still strong and I am still enjoying her stories. I feel blessed to know her.
My older brother is very different than me both in politics and religious views. He has very strong opinions. We are the only children with the same great parents and yet we turned out very different. And yet I love him very much and we have a similar commitment to never talk about politics or religion. If he forgets, and he sometimes does, one of his four children reminds him right away. We have been able to maintain a good relationship regardless of these differences.
Barry’s mother grew up in a Jewish neighborhood in Brooklyn. Her first language was Yiddish. She took Judaism very seriously. It was a shock to her when Barry started dating me and an even greater shock when our relationship became more serious, and we became engaged. Barry’s mother lived in a Jewish world, and she was surrounded by Jewish family, neighbors and friends. For her oldest son to be marrying a non-Jewish woman (a shiksa!) was almost too much to bear. Even after we were married, there was a slight distance she kept from me, and I could tell she hoped our relationship would not make it.
Then we had our first child and she asked, “What side of the family does she resemble?” Barry answered wisely, “She looks just like Joyce.”
And that comment blew open her world. Barry’s mother opened wide and fully accepted our daughter, and her world opened up as well. She began having close non-Jewish friends and she and my mother developed a close and deep relationship all the rest of their lives. And she grew close to me as well. She enjoyed lighting the Hanukkah candles, and at the same time enjoyed our Christmas tree and my manger scene on the mantle. She and I grew so close that she truly became a second mother to me. She had learned to honor our differences.
Perhaps there is someone in your life where differences keep you separated. Perhaps you also could honor these differences and find the commonality between the two of you, the place where you can meet in the heart. And though you will never change that person, you can find ways in which you can connect deeply.
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Joyce & Barry Vissell, a nurse/therapist and psychiatrist couple since 1964, are counselors in Aptos who are passionate about conscious relationship and personal-spiritual growth. They are the authors of 10 books and a free audio album of sacred songs and chants.
Visit their web site at SharedHeart.org.
A Couple of Miracles: One Couple, More Than a Few Miracles. Semi-Finalist, Book of the Year, Online Book Club. Available at Amazon.com.