By Nicole M. Young, MSW
Raising children to become confident, capable, independent human beings is the most important and fulfilling job anyone can have in their lifetime — even more important than becoming a famous athlete, a Nobel prize-winning scientist or the President of the United States, in my opinion. Sure, it’s a never-ending, around-the-clock, stressful, thankless job that doesn’t offer sick time or overtime pay. And yes, parenting comes with a lifetime supply of fears and worries about how to ensure children survive each new stage of life and make it to adulthood. But becoming a parent — whether it’s a biological, foster or adoptive parent, grandparent, and other relative or family friend raising a child — is a life-changing experience.
Children who experience responsive, nurturing caregiving in safe, engaging environments are able to learn, grow and thrive. Positive parenting builds healthy brains, enabling children to develop the skills to communicate, solve problems, manage emotions and make healthy choices throughout life.
Unfortunately, not all children have the same opportunity. A growing body of research tells us that the absence of positive parenting puts children at greater risk for developing physical, mental, emotional, behavioral and learning problems throughout life. Although learning to cope with stress and hardships is an important and unavoidable part of every childhood, repeated or prolonged exposure to “Adverse Childhood Experiences” (or ACEs) – such as physical or emotional abuse, chronic neglect, a caregiver’s mental illness or substance abuse, a parent in prison, exposure to family violence or the accumulated effects of poverty – can disrupt children’s developing brains and impair lifelong health and well-being.
“Without adequate adult support [and] early intervention, exposure to ACEs and toxic stress can lead to an intergenerational cycle of instability and poor outcomes in core areas such as education, health and well-being, and economic security,” according to Ascend, a policy program of the Aspen Institute.
It sounds frightening, right? The good news is that positive parenting helps children develop healthy responses to “normal” levels of stress and provides a buffer that can prevent or minimize the harmful effects of ACEs.
So what is positive parenting? It’s an approach to parenting that builds positive relationships and communication within families, with the goal of promoting children’s healthy development and teaching them important social, emotional and life skills. In the Triple P – Positive Parenting Program, positive parenting is defined by five principles:
Ensure children have a safe, interesting environment. Safe, interesting environments and activities activate children’s curiosity and creativity, and provide opportunities for them to move, play, explore, discover and experiment. This is how children learn and develop skills.
Create a positive learning environment. Parents can help their children feel safe to explore and learn new behaviors and skills by noticing their efforts, giving positive attention and descriptive praise, and modeling healthy, appropriate behaviors.
Use assertive discipline. Discipline is not the same as punishment. Assertive discipline teaches children new, more appropriate behaviors in a calm and consistent manner, helping children learn to accept responsibility for their behaviors, become aware of the needs of others, and develop self-control.
Have realistic expectations. Every child is unique and develops at a different rate. Problems can occur when parents expect too much too soon, or expect their children to be perfect. It’s important to understand what is age-appropriate (feasible) to expect at various stages of childhood. It’s also important for parents to have realistic expectations of themselves. There is no such thing as a perfect parent or a perfect child.
Take care of yourself as a parent. Parenting is easier when our own physical, social, emotional and intellectual needs are being met. Being a positive parent does not mean that you have to be present for every waking moment of your child’s life. Parents need to take care of their own needs first so that they can be patient, consistent and available to meet their children’s needs.
Final Thoughts: Being a positive parent doesn’t mean being a perfect parent. After all, learning from mistakes is an important life skill for everyone to master.
But positive parenting has lifetime impacts on health and well-being. Being a positive parent is the most important job imaginable.
Nicole Young is the mother of two children, ages 12 and 15, who also manages Santa Cruz County’s Triple P — Positive Parenting Program. Scientifically proven, Triple P is made available locally by First 5 Santa Cruz County, the Santa Cruz County Health Services Agency (Mental Health Services Act) and the Santa Cruz County Human Services Department.
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For more information on Triple P classes and one-on-one sessions for parents, visit http://triplep.first5scc.org, www.facebook.com/triplepscc or contact First 5 Santa Cruz County at 465-2217 or triplep@first5scc.org.