What To Do When You Can’t Connect

By Elene L Johas Teener, LCSW

This is Fourth in a series of articles describing Emotionally Focused Therapy and what the newest research into relationship success has to tell us. The first article described the new findings. Years of gold standard rigorous empirically validated research have revealed a new and highly effective method of relationship counseling. The findings tell us “Love is a basic survival code, that an essential task of our mammalian brain is to read and respond to others, and that it is being able to depend on others that makes us strong.” (Sue Johnson, PhD) I personally cannot repeat that last finding enough. It goes against almost everything I have learned. Depending on others actually is what makes us strong. The relationship counseling success rates using this perspective are between 70-75% success, even with very difficult circumstances, and 90% report improvement.

The second article talked about Unlocking the Door to Love. The key to love then is to create a secure base, a close and trusting bond with those closest to us. We unlock the door to love’s potential when we accept that we need others and allow them to need us. Science now can measure the results of love; the environment that exists when we feel love. We now know how to help couples create that environment even when they are in great distress.

The third article describes how a secure bond and a fully satisfying intimate relationship go together. Emotional connection creates a great and satisfying physical bond, which in turn creates and even deeper emotional connection. The new research points out that when we have a safe and trusting bond, our physical responses are more intense and frequent.

This article takes us to where all this brave work has pointed; the opportunity for encouraging healing conversations that deepen security. Because love is a survival code, our relationships have the ultimate at stake – our continued existence.

When couples are in distress it can be painful and difficult; connecting seems impossible and resistance insurmountable. How then do we create an environment where together we can take risks again? To create a secure attachment with our spouse (or children) we must recognize our attachment fears and longings before long held walls can fall and we can establish the safety each partner needs.

There are many reasons that both emotions and behaviors create an environment where we can’t connect and create that loving haven. “Complex interactions between many things including genetics, medications, trauma experiences, behaviors of previous attachment figures, relational dynamics, cultural rhythms and even day to day factors. The solutions lie at the level though of recognizing and changing the cycle/dance/ interaction dynamic between partners. The conflict and inability to connect is not about who makes or what causes emotions and behaviors – that is not where the solution lies.” (Scott R. Woolley, PhD)

When we understand that attachment distress is driving the disconnection, when partners create a safe A.R.E. (Accessible, Responsive, Emotionally) environment for each other, only then we can begin asking from each other what we need for reconnection. When we know how to create safety together and feel the benefit of a safe haven, then we can take the brave risk of reaching toward each other.

•••

Please join us for the next “Hold Me Tight” workshop, November 5,6,7.