When a friend’s birthday approaches, I sort through my stash of cards to find one that will be appropriate. For the last 6 years (OK, maybe 10), I’ve looked rejected the same five birthday cards. What I thought was funny when I bought them, isn’t funny anymore.
The cards in the “No” pile include an old gal hiking up pants with an obviously elastic waistband and an elderly chorus line dressed in too-red lips surrounding perfect dentures and topped with blond wigs. (That I haven’t included images of the cards shows you just how much I want to distance myself from their messages.)
This month, instead of putting the cards back in the stash, I’m putting them in the trash. Keeping them has been costing me something more precious than the $30 I paid for them. I complain to myself because I’ve spent money on something that’s now useless. I feel sad because the images and sentiments are way too close to reality. Keeping them has been costing me my sense of myself. I know this sounds silly. After all, they are just birthday cards. But, no kidding, when I complain about something I CAN DO something about, and then I DON’T DO anything about it, I downgrade my own power and self-image.
I know it’s not the last time I will complain or be sad, but it’s the last time these cards will be the trigger. Let’s translate this into being a more effective leader of ourselves and of others.
Why complain?
We complain in order to distract. We complain about gas prices, our weight, our busy schedules, red tape, poor governance hoping the listener (which is often only ourselves) hears our deeper message: Poor me. I’m not responsible. I can’t do what I need to do because of “how things are out there.” We become fog machines, misting complaints in hopes of obscuring what we should be accomplishing, but aren’t.
Sometimes complaints spur us into action. If that’s your M.O., bravo! Complain away! It’s the complaints that we don’t take action to resolve that I’m talking about. Not taking action steals our energy while having no impact whatsoever on the object of our complaint. It’s those complaints that cement us to the past, suck our energy and downgrade our spirit.
Why stop?
Not complaining frees you and the people around you to be forward thinking. When you (especially if you are the leader) stop being cranky, the people around you will no longer be contaminated by your sour mood. (You do know it gets on them, don’t you?)
To defog yourself, do this 2-minute exercise designed by David Allen, productivity expert.
- What is on my mind right now? What bugs, distracts me? (Ex: The plant in the lobby looks horrible.)
- What is my intended outcome? What would need to happen for this item to be done? (Ex: Our lobby should have vibrant plants.)
- What is the next physical action to take? By when? It is a call, making a request or offer? (Ex: Email Sharon to replace all unhealthy plants by next Tuesday.)
Don’t wait to use this exercise for the big, really important stuff. Sometimes the little stuff (dead plants, perpetually late reports, meetings that always run over) that we tolerate can undermine our power more than the big stuff.
(Cue music. “Free your mind” by enVogue; “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover” by Paul Simon)
The exercise works if your complaint isn’t about what, but whom. The answers to the three questions might look like this:
- Distraction: I can’t get my managers to stay within their budgets.
- Outcome: We, as a management team, are responsible for the whole company.
- Action: Request a managers meeting and take corrective action.
It’s action that counts
Do Allen’s exercise daily for the next 15 days. I predict you will experience a new level of self-empowerment and forge more powerful relationships. (Offer: Keep your three-question/answer log for 15 days, then send it to me. I’ll gift you a 30-minute coaching call on a topic of your choice.)
The alternative to not freeing yourself from complaining? Dying a slow death of regret and resentment.
BTW: You may need to upgrade the leadership skills you’ve relied on for the last 10 years. Why? Just as you stay current with changes in your customers’ needs, you need to stay current with the needs of the people you lead, even people who have been with you from the start. Ask them about their current priorities and challenges. When you do this, you send them a message that you care and know who they are now. What a gift. And it isn’t even their birthday. (Cue music. “Brand New Me,” Alicia Keys)
P.S.: I’ve also moved the milk from back behind other tall containers on top shelf to the door. No more complaining about having to bend down to find it.
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Camille Smith helps leaders and teams achieve goals that matter by creating relationships that work. www.wipcoaching.com ~ 831-685-1480