By Dr. Lori Butterworth, Child & Adolescent Psychotherapist
I love the nostalgic smell of fresh pencils, new backpacks, and crisp notebooks. New clothes are folded and ready, calendars are filling up, and suddenly summer gives way to routines, homework, sports practices, and earlier bedtimes. Fall is here, and with it comes back-to-school season.
Lori Butterworth
For many kids, going back to school brings excitement, seeing friends, meeting teachers, joining teams, and settling into familiar routines. But for others, the return to school can feel overwhelming.
Maybe your eight-year-old suddenly develops stomachaches every morning. Maybe your middle-schooler cries at bedtime or begs to stay home. Or perhaps your teenager becomes withdrawn, sleeps all day, insists school is “stupid,” or spends hours in their room avoiding conversations about the upcoming year.
As a child and adolescent psychologist, I often remind parents that school avoidance is rarely about laziness, lack of motivation, or defiance. More often, it’s anxiety wearing a disguise.
Anxiety is clever. It convinces us that avoiding something uncomfortable is the safest option. Staying home brings immediate relief, and our brains learn, “That worked. I feel better now.” The problem is that avoidance teaches the brain that school is dangerous, making it feel even harder to return the next day.
Whether your child is six or sixteen, one of the most important messages they need to hear is:
I understand this is hard.
And,
I know you can do hard things.
Kids need empathy, and they also need confidence borrowed from the adults around them.
For younger children, anxiety might show up as tears, clinginess, or physical complaints. For teens, it looks different. They may get irritable, argue, isolate themselves, avoid friends, procrastinate, or insist they don’t care about school at all.
Beneath the surface, many are worrying about academics, social pressures, bullying, fitting in, changing friend groups, sports performance, or simply the fear of not measuring up.
Try validating the feeling without validating the fear.
Instead of saying, There’s nothing to worry about, try, I can see this feels really stressful right now.
Instead of, Fine, you can stay home, try, I know your anxiety is really loud today, but I believe you can handle this, and I’ll help you through it.
Parents often ask me, Shouldn’t I let them stay home if they’re struggling? It depends. Of course, there are times when children truly are sick or need a mental health day. But when anxiety is the driver, repeated avoidance tends to make anxiety stronger over time.
Confidence doesn’t come from feeling ready. Confidence comes from discovering, I was nervous, and I still did it.
If your child is struggling, get curious. What’s underneath the fear? Academic pressure? Friendship changes? Perfectionism? Separation from parents? A difficult experience last year? Fear of judgment? Sometimes kids can tell us exactly what they’re worried about. Many times, all they can say is, I don’t know. I just don’t want to go.
Try for small wins. Getting dressed. Walking onto campus. Staying for first period. Making it through the day. Reaching out to one friend. Progress is gradual; it’s rarely all-or-nothing.
And parents, take care of yourselves too. Watching your child struggle can be heartbreaking. Our instinct is to protect, rescue, reassure, or negotiate. But one of the greatest gifts we can give our kids is the belief that they are capable, resilient, and stronger than anxiety wants them to believe.
Most back-to-school jitters settle within a few weeks. But if your child or teen is missing school, experiencing frequent physical symptoms, becoming increasingly isolated, or showing signs of significant distress, it may be time to seek additional support.
Evidence-based treatments such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and SPACE (Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions) can help young people learn to face fears, tolerate discomfort, and build lasting confidence .
At the Center for Youth Mental Health, we know that caring for an anxious child or teen can feel isolating. You don’t have to figure it out alone. We offer free monthly Parent Drop-In sessions where parents can ask questions, get practical guidance, and connect with youth mental health experts in a supportive environment .
What kids need most isn’t reassurance that things won’t be hard. It’s the steady confidence of a parent saying, I know this feels hard right now. And I know you can handle hard things.
Dr. Lori Butterworth is the founder of the Center for Youth Mental Health and Jacob’s Heart Children’s Cancer Support Services. For more information about mental health support for your child and family, contact Lori at 831-222-0052 or visit CYMH.org. The Center offers evidence-based youth mental health care and free resources for parents.