By Lori Butterworth
New backpacks and the smell of freshly sharpened pencils. It’s that time of year again: back to school. For many families, this season brings excitement, fresh starts, and smiling first-day photos. But for others, it brings something much harder: a child who flat-out refuses to go to school.
School refusal has surged in the wake of COVID. Kids, especially teens, are struggling after years of social isolation. Many feel safer behind screens than in classrooms. For some, school brings social anxiety, depression, bullying, or academic pressures that seem insurmountable.
It’s heartbreaking to watch a child shut down and panic when it’s time to leave for school. Some parents give in and let their kids stay home, hoping a few days off will help (It won’t).
Others try yelling and harsh consequences (That doesn’t help either). Here’s what we know: before doing anything, we must understand why they’re resisting school. In therapy we call this knowing the function of a behavior.
It’s Usually Not Defiance, It’s Distress
School refusal is rarely about laziness or bad behavior. It’s usually a sign of emotional distress. So, instead of nagging, do as Walt Whitman (via Ted Lasso) said: “Be curious, not judgmental.” Ask open-ended questions like:
- “What do you wish I understood about how hard this is for you?”
- “What part of the school day feels the most stressful or overwhelming?”
- “When do you start feeling nervous? At night, in the morning, or during a certain class?”
You may not get answers right away, especially from teens. But when kids know you’re there, you care, and won’t judge, they’re more likely to open up.
One of the most powerful things you can say is: “I know this is hard, and I believe you can do it.”
What If Your Child Is Being Bullied?
Bullying is a leading cause of school refusal and can leave children feeling powerless or unsafe. If your child shares that they’re being bullied, or if you suspect it, take it seriously.
- Listen to your child without judgment
- Help your child identify a trusted adult at school that they can go to
- Work with the school and the trusted adult to create a safety plan
- Seek outside counsel to help your child rebuild confidence
When Therapy Can Help and How to Find the Right Kind
Not all types of therapy are effective for school avoidance. Some therapeutic approaches may offer short-term comfort or “venting” sessions, but these don’t typically lead to lasting change.
What works best are evidence-based treatments like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Exposure with Response Prevention (ERP), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), and Supportive Parenting for Anxious Childhood Emotions (SPACE). These approaches are backed by research, can be tailored to your child’s needs, and involve parents as active partners.
Look for a therapist who specializes in youth anxiety, school avoidance, and family-based treatment. A skilled therapist won’t just listen, they’ll help your child build coping skills, reduce avoidance, and gradually face the things they’re afraid of.
If your child won’t go to therapy, that’s okay. Parent-based programs like SPACE help you make progress at home even if your child refuses to sit on the therapy couch.
When School Refusal Becomes Entrenched
If your child has been out of school for weeks or months, school refusal becomes entrenched and more difficult to address. Basically, the longer your child stays away from school, the harder it is to go back. Dr. Eli Lebowitz at Yale suggests:
- Set small, clear, realistic goals.
- Don’t nag. Limit yourself to mentioning school avoidance once a day.
- Remove all at-home rewards during the hours your child would be in school. No screens, no special food, no outings.
- Enforce consistent consequences.
- Involve school staff.
- Recruit a classmate to walk into school with them.
I’ll add a #7 to Lebowitz’s list: 7) Be overly generous with positive reinforcement. Celebrate and reward each positive step along the way.
Remember, your child doesn’t need to feel “ready.” They need a clear, supported path back to school.
You’re Not Alone — Resources for Parents
- Triple P (Positive Parenting Program): Free, evidence-based support offered through First 5 Santa Cruz County. Visit first5scc.org/triple-p-parenting
- Parent Drop-In: Free monthly Zoom sessions for parents hosted by the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health. Learn more at ccamh.org
- The SPACE program is detailed in the book Breaking Free of Childhood Anxiety and OCD by Eli Lebowitz
- Kidpower teaches personal safety, assertiveness, and boundary-setting skills. Offers workshops and online resources for families. kidpower.org
Whether your child is 7 or 17, school refusal is a tough parenting challenge. But it’s also a chance to teach your child a life-changing: You are capable of facing and getting through tough challenges.
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Lori Butterworth, PsyD, MEd, MA is the founder of the Center for Child and Adolescent Mental Health in Soquel and Jacob’s Heart Children’s Cancer Support Services. She can be reached at [email protected] or 831-222-0052.